There are big industries build up around a woman's maternal instinct. Momaroo, for instance, is designed to cater to mothers and expecting mothers. Even more importantly, I notice a ton of Xanga users whose name includes "mom" or "mommy."
Now, no offense to you if you do have kids. That's a really important job, and you should be putting your all in to it. But at the same time, you need to make sure that you are not ignoring your own needs. Maybe today, when they're a toddler and they're dependent on you, this outlook makes sense. But as they get older, into their teens, and are looking for freedom, do you really want to be the mother who has nothing left after her kids leave the house?
It's the same basic premise as in any relationship you ever have. You want to put all you can into the relationship, to ensure that it grows and you're both healthy and happy. But at the same time, you have to retain your own sense of individuality. You can't think of yourself as "Little Billy's Mommy" forever.
Comments (47)
You bring up an interesting point. I think many who read this on the surface level may be offended but it is interesting that so many define themselves as the momof---- or the wifeof----.
Well, since you presented your comment on the toddler-focused moms with a hefty dose of common sense, I can whole-heartedly agree with you. As a mom of two toddlers, and a baby due in July. Just this weekend I "ran away from home" (haha, read: left the kids and hubby at home to grab some white mocha and do a little shopping). It wasn't much, but I was totally energized when I came home and was no longer the half-crazed woman they had been dealing with that day.
So yeah, it's true. You can't be a good service to anybody if you aren't in good working condition yourself.
~V
I think a lot of people just search for an identity... like how a dancer will incorporate that into her name, a guitarist into his, an army girlfriend, a soccer player, a scientist, anything really. People just want to be known as something.
@TheTheologiansCafe - Heh, I will enjoy seeing anyone be "offended" at this post... I thought she side-stepped any real reason for that rather well. :p
I understand what you are saying. But, I think there is a great sense of pride that comes with being a mother as well. So, when you see the "mom" included in things it's based on that joy/pride.
I do feel that keeping a sense of self is very important. I'm a single mom with my oldest at almost 7 and my youngest at 10 weeks. It's easy to define myself by my kids at times...but I'd much rather be defined by ME first and my kids just add to that.
I will always be my babies mom, tho.
@jediwa72 - As a child who disowned her mother, my BIGGEST pet peeve is when mothers say that they are proud of their children's accomplishments. It's like they want to steal that bit of their child and claim it for themselves.
Hmm, interesting point.
some people pride on being just a good mommy, i guess.
I think you are correct. I think it's hard sometimes to be just you when you're the wife of someone or the mom of a few kids because your life begins to revolve around them. I think it's important to be the best mom and the best wife but I also think it's important that you don't lose yourself in the process.
I think people need to learn how to be able to define themselves by.. well.. themselves, and not others.
I totally agree. That's one of the reasons why I'll never be a stay-at-home Mom. I'm not the type who can spend all the time with children and dote on them. I need to go to work and compartmentalize and take a break.
My mom is having issues with this now. She keeps saying that her children are/were her life. My brother and I are 20 & 23. Because she doesn't have a life she tries to intrude on our ability to have one.
@la_faerie_joyeuse - I agree, I can't stand when parents brag on their kids all of the time.
@storiesandsinker - I agree!
Great advice.
Good point! Kids are part of you, not all of you.
One of the scariest thoughts to me is getting married or having a child and having that become who I am. I need to have hobbies and a sense of myself despite all of that. I don't want to cease being an individual.
really important not to take anything in life too seriously, really. We constantly over-emphasize with the roles we play, and then lose ourselves in them, and we only find out when it's too late... the role dies, and I still live, now what am I going to do???
It's a good point. People have to think of all their ascribed statuses, not just their master status. I think for the most part, however, their master status as a mother will always take the first place even when the kids more out since that is such a large part of their lives.
Others also have to be able to see past that master status and realize that these women have more then just that status.
It's a two was street, ya'know.
@la_faerie_joyeuse - So what you are saying then is when they say they are proud of there children, they are REALLY saying "Look what I raised,didn't I do such a great job" There may be some parents like that, and that is sad. Some are genuinely PROUD of their kids accomplishments, not to make themselves look good, but just happy for their kids that they found joy in accomplishment.I'm sorry if you have a bad relationship with your mom.Moms CAN be demanding in the wrong way, but I think a lot of it is to hopefully spare them from un needed struggles. But what they don't see sometimes, is those struggles are what build the character of their child. You are very right about moms needing to take care of their needs at times. The kids will not always be there and it's those moms thet pour EVERYTHING into their kids that can't let their kids go. Anyway, thats my 2 cents as a man!
Mom of four here. And I'm not offended at all as suggested...because you are absolutely right. However, there is a real transition from "all mom/no me" to "some mom/more me" and it doesn't happen by itself. It has to be worked at, but it can and should be done. After all, a happy mom is a good mom. I know too many moms that either won't or can't make the transition. Some think they're happy, others know they're not and pretend they are.
@UnworthyofHisgrace - To me, there's a difference between being proud of something and being happy for someone. Semantics, I guess.
@la_faerie_joyeuse - Not sure I totally follow. Are you saying being proud of something your child accomplished is different from being happy for them that they accomplished something.I know when my children accomplished something they put so much into, I was proud for them because it made them so happy that they accomplished something. Parents that live their lives through their kids because they couldn't accomplish something, not that is a tregedy.Maybe that is what you are getting at.I'm guessing you didn't accomplish what your mom wanted you to do and that is why you disowned her. I wanted my son for instantance, to be more involved in sports, but my wife wanted him to try band. He tried band and loved it and was awesome at it.He has a recording studio and got his degree in recording & sound technology.If I had stood in the way and demanded he plays sports, I would have gotten in the way of his dream.It would have been my dream I was trying to live out through him. Man, why do I make such long comments? Seesh! Sorry! Have a good night Rose
~Grampy~
do u have any children?
I totally agree with you.
I wish my mother read what you wrote 20 years ago. I'm 21 and I'm making choices for myself. She's divorced, and she relies on my sister and I to supplement for what's missing in your life. Balance in life is difficult to obtain, but ever so essential.